I am you, I was you! I walked like you, I talked like you, I behaved like you. I was abused like you, molested like you, neglected like you, rejected and detested like you. Put out like you, gave up on like you, disrespected like you. I rode like you, might have even put in work like you. So don’t think I don’t know. Don’t think this can’t be you. I thought the same and played the game. I didn’t ever think at 18 I would be sentenced to 18. It happened, and because I was you, it could very well be you. You don’t think so now, and I thought so too. I skimmed the surface never got in too deep. I thought that wasn’t me so they’ll let me be, at the end you and me are we and this will be you, if you don’t believe.

Felicia Dixon

Dear Friends,

I want to share with you a recent, very special experience.

For Seattle Public Theater’s upcoming production of “This Wide Night” (more on that later), I connected with two amazing organizations, St. Vincent De Paul, whose compassionate and dedicated staff are truly inspirational, and The If Project and Detective Kim Bogucki. Kim invited us to perform the play for inmates at the WA Corrections Center for Women.

We leapt at the opportunity, and it took some heroic efforts on the part of Sheila (the director) and Jessica (the Stage Manager). It also took  incredible bravery from our two actors Emily and Christina. They are doing very detailed, nuanced, powerful work, but didn’t think they’d have such an important audience quite so soon!

We walked in through gates and doors like in the movies – only one opens at a time, and there are these weird moments where you’re outside, in an alley of barbed wire and metal, seen by unseen video feeds, and up above is the same blue Northwest sky with brilliant shiny clouds. So much barbed wire, in rolls on the ground like tumbleweeds.

Then we went into the Visit Room, a rather cheery and normal cafeteria/rec room, with a side playroom for kids, with a colorful mural and toys. Through the windows you could see the prison campus, which looked for all the world like an elementary school – low buildings, central courtyard, in which there was a garden. They grow their own vegetables.

The cast and crew set up chairs, moved tables, taped out the stage, and laid out the props. We had tons of water bottles with labels “beer” and “vodka” as of course we couldn’t have brought those things in.

There was a picture on the wall of how to take pictures with your visitor. There were allowed poses, hands here, hands not here. I looked at it a long time. You aren’t allowed to touch people in prison beyond a pat on the back or a handshake. Imagine living ten years without a hug.

The inmates came in. They wore all gray – gray sweats, gray t-shirts. There must be very little color in their world. So much gray.

Sheila introduced the show. She was nervous. I was, too. But then we started, and a few minutes in there was that wonderful thing that happens when you make theater – the audience laughed, and it was such a shared moment of recognition. It was like a fantastic blind date, when you discover that you are in conversation with someone who “gets” you. For the next 90 minutes, the play bounced between the actors, the script, the audience – it was like we were all listening and talking and participating in the story in very present, real time.

After the show, we listened to the women share. My worst fear – that they wouldn’t connect to the play, that it wouldn’t make sense or resonate – was so far from the truth I almost laughed. They were such an intelligent and perceptive audience, making deeply nuanced psychological connections, quoting the show back to us and referencing small but significant moments. Most of them allowed authentic emotional responses, and there was a fair amount of kleenex floating around, but it wasn’t maudlin and it wasn’t trite. The emotion never got in the way of discussion – of true give and take and listening.

Being with those women is like taking undiluted, maximum strength life serum.
To communicate is our passion and our despair. Making theater in that prison visit room was a passionate, joyful experience.

They are mothers, most of them. They want us to know that. They want us to know they are there – to see them. They are sending their families to the Bathhouse to see the show. They want to bring us back to the prison to share with a larger audience. They want you to see this play.

I hope you can be a part of this story. While I can’t take you back to prison, we can take a little of that experience to you. Join us for post-play discussions with former inmates and the remarkable people who work both in and out of the prison system helping those in need transition into a life beyond incarceration.

Sincerely,
Shana Bestock

Freedom…  Wow I realize that it is a lot more complicated than anyone could ever imagine. I sit here and contemplate on my freedom quite often, and sometimes it’s easy to see why a lot of people end up back in prison. In there we are fed, clothed, given a place to sleep, and we have no responsibilities. Life is easy. Yeah we’re told what to do, but who isn’t in this world? But what I’ve noticed is that if I didn’t have the support of my family and the strength within myself to survive, I could easily become one of the statistics. My first week out was crazy!! I got my license! This was a blessing because I only had to take half of the written test to get it back. Amen to good driving!  And of course there was a lot of celebrating with family and fun stuff. Thanksgiving was wonderful; I was able to have my children for the week even after struggling at first with the paternal grandparents because they didn’t want to let me see them at first. Already right there I was being tested on how I would react. They even got in contact with my parole officer to make sure that I was on the up and up! So see my life is still being controlled, just in a different way.  Just another consequence relating to a bad choice I made in life. Then real life started to set in. We had a death in the family, my aunt passed away. I’m just thankful that I was able to see her one last time before she passed. That was the beginning of my trials. Even though I was blessed to have left the institution with some money, I was still struggling financially. I couldn’t get a bank account to cash my check until I had a valid California ID, so I had to pay $26 to get it, then I paid an additional $31 to get my license three days later. My mom’s car broke down; we had to get a new battery for it. Then the break line broke and we had to get a new one and then pay a guy to fix it. All this and I have only been out for three weeks! It feels like a lifetime since I was incarcerated.  I still haven’t gotten a job yet, but I also haven’t been looking. My mom wanted me to get acclimated with home and the family first. But I think that it is time. I was hoping on a job in December, but it looks like that won’t be happening so I’m about to hit the bricks and start looking.  I think that right now the strongest emotion that I am feeling is frustration along with a little bit of boredom. When I was locked up, my days started at 6 a.m. and ended at 9 p.m. and in between that time I worked, and programmed. And right now I’m just sitting idle. I mean don’t get me wrong, I’m not lying around doing nothing, believe me I have become the cleaning and laundry queen! As well as the chauffer, but to be honest nothing beats coming home after a hard day of work and feeling like I’ve accomplished something. I guess I just like the idea of what financial responsibility represents. So starting tomorrow I will be officially job hunting! I just want all those that have been released or are getting ready to be released to understand that no matter how tough things may seem, there’s nothing or no one that could ever get me to be where I once was. I am a new woman today, and as long as I stay on the right track and know that when I lay my head down at night that I’ve done all I can, I can honestly say that I have become what I’ve always wanted to be… a success.

I never planned on ending up here sitting in an 8×10 concrete cell with bars in the windows. Being told when to eat, sleep and exercise, but then again I don’t think anybody ever really does. I doubt anyone here was thinking about hurting their families or having their children grow up without a parent. Being in here give you a lot of time to think about things. Are my parents ashamed of me? Does my daughter resent me for making the choices that I did? Will she end up making the same mistakes? What does she think of me? My biggest fear is that one day she’ll grow up to hate me. I doubt she will ever end up here. She’s a good kid, but then again, I’m not there to see the people she hangs out with or guide her in the right direction. It’s sad to think  about how she had to grow at such a young age. A 16 year old girl should be worried about school and boys, not paying bills and still having enough money to buy lunch. All I want is for her to be happy, but its hard to make that happen from behind a barbed wire fence. She’s always telling me she is happy, but pretty much being on her own, no parents, moving from relative to relative, not truly having a place she belongs, she must be lonely, and scared. Not that she would ever show it. As her world crumbles around her, she stands strong. I wish she didn’t have to be. I wish I could be there to be strong for her but instead she is strong for everyone else, and here I sit in a 8×10 cell being told when to eat, sleep and exercise.

Jesa’s second original piece is written from her own perspective and is a poignant example of the important role her support system, the Girl Scouts Beyond Bars, has played. Through their support she has not only been able to maintain a relationship with her mother, but has been able to explore and expand on her own ideas of what “family” really means.

I’ve been in Girls Scouts for 11 years now and this sleepover means the world to me. Over these last 11 years I’ve learned that I am not alone just because my mother is in prison and I learned that you don’t have to be blood to be family. I have grown close to all the moms and daughters, I’ve grown up with them. We are like one big family, bonded together because we were apart. I learned that family is the place you feel safe, where you feel like you belong, and because of that Girls Scouts is my family.

Ronald Philip “Hub” Morgan Sr

My Daddy 

You tried to rescue me, to salvage a broken and lost teenage girl. You were always telling me to “go to school ,go to school ,go to school” I remember sailing on your small sailboat , and stereo was on Christmas morning. I remember your devotion to Toys for Tots and my first ride on a Harley. You never gave up on me, even when I ran. I ran away to the streets, to the drugs and alcohol and a life that you tried to protect me from. I’m so sorry dad. I wasn’t able to visit you when you were sick or even attend your funeral because I am in prison……Again. I never imagined I would lose you, especially while I was locked up. I want to hear your voice agin, I want more time! Did I ever make you proud? You gave me so many memories, that I will always treasure, and guess what daddy I am in school, I’m in school I’m in school and I’m done running away. I love you and miss you so very much, Love Always, Your Daughter Gina

**Before you pick up that drink or drug know this…..you might not be there for your loved ones death bed visit or funeral. You might not even know about the loss until it’s too late. It just never occurred  to me.

We went and spoke at Mission Creek Correctional Center for Women last Saturday on behalf of “The If Project”. This is my third time speaking since I was released from prison in April on behalf of the project. I am almost speechless at the gift this project has been in my life. Not only have the women of the IF been my rock through my transition from prison they have been here for me at every bump and obstacle that has come my way and there have been many. I do not know if I would be where I am today if not for the IF Project.

The most Beautiful thing this project has given me is the ability to now be this same strength for others. For the women getting ready to make the same transition I myself just had to endure. I think most of us while incarcerated think that as long as we get our freedom back that everything else will be fine. I know first hand this is not true. We need a strong foundation to stand on upon our release we cannot make it alone. And it is ok to ask for help. We do not have to do it alone. Now myself and the other women of the IF can lead by example. We can now be here for the women to come as the women of this project have been here for us.

I am so thankful to be a part of this project and I cannot explain the feeling of hope and strength I feel while standing in front of 150 women who are incarcerated and seeing their expressions when we speak the truth to them. I tell it like it is. I refuse to pull any punches when speaking to these women. We have to be real. We have to get our lives together for our children for our families and most importantly–for ourselves. Because without first getting right with ourselves, we are no good to anyone else.

This is the power of the IF. We build one another up, we help one another up when we fall and we never give up on one another. This is the power we have–to change our lives. I am proud today of all I have been through because I would not be the person I am if I did not go through the things I have in my life. After we spoke at Mission Creek, I received this letter from one of the women. It is so amazing to hear how this project is changing lives and to hear the women respond and reach out. The girl who wrote this letter, she and I are from the same county. Kitsap. We both used to sell drugs. She, just like I, have been given a second chance, This is the beautiful part of this process If has given. We are learning from one another that we can change our lives. I am living proof. Paving the way we truly are with this project . Just as she said in this letter….

Tiffany,

WOW! I am so proud of you! You pulled yourself out of the darkness and have paved a path of light to help lead the way for me and many others. Im sitting here looking up at you seated before us and you are a ray of sunshine and inspiration – you have helped me to hold onto hope and to know that my dreams are possible!!! I look forward to being a part of the “IF” project and helping to give back to the community and to maybe reach one person!!! I love you , you are great.

This letter is what its all about….Changing lives for the better…

At my sentencing, I was asked the question “What obstacles if any have contributed to my criminal lifestyle?”

I quickly answered the lack of higher education…remarkably vocational programming is part of my judgment and sentence.

I stopped going to school two months into my first year of middle school mostly of boredom due to circumstance of comprehension barriers. However above all I believe it was the fast southern California streets that helped me develop the paradigm of being better than school, above the law and in no need of an education. For what, the world was mine.

Upon my arrival here at W.C.C.W. for a second round with a sentence twice as long I pondered the answer I gave in court of the obstacles in my life and made my first five year plan which included a higher education. I knew it would not be easy, all I had was a GED and hadn’t been to school for almost twenty years…

I entered the horticultures program with the want to finish but in doubt that I could. By the grace of god, I am graduating today. My completion of horticultures boosted the esteem I had for self by giving me skills I can use in the outside world. It also gave me confidence to further my education. I am now enrolled in the technical drafting program and plan on continuing my education upon my release.

My greatest ability is making every decision today enhance my tomorrow. I am every possibility, because I strive in opposition of the influence that my once care free lifestyle has had on me.

In closing I am sharing a poetic reflection I wrote in the final month of horticulture.

Its titled responsibility….

RESPONSIBILITY
A Poem by C.I. Hawkins 11/09

Bent over yet my feet stable…
Spirit broken yet my head held high…

I take responsibility for everything in my life
There are many wrongs I can not ever make right
There are ever more people to whom I can not give insight
So I take responsibility for what I can not do in this life

Today I look in the mirror and with truth say I love who I see
I can even sit in complete silence with me
So I take responsibility for being comfortable with me

Unfortunate events have happened in my life to which I had no control
But I take responsibility even though a twisted paradigm was
scripted in to my mind when I was young and my years were early
So I take responsibility for putting others before me

Through time I have realized that along with free will came the possibility of
me making decisions and mistakes that are not always best for me.
So I take responsibility for choosing.

Everyday I am in surprise of my abilities
So I take responsibility for everything I start and complete

I give myself grief for the things covered in the blood of Christ for things I’ve
been forgiven for more than twice and since I can’t erase every memory.
So I take responsibility for making life harder on me

I believe god exists and to love is what I’ve been commanded of, I am also
aware that with love comes the chance that pain might hurt me.
So I take responsibility for the great experience of long suffering.

I have not always had the most positive effect on me and once before when I
chose self pity I now choose empowerment over what I’m feeling
by taking responsibility saying yes to god and being open and willing.

*****
This last year has been an up and down roller coaster for me, but I’m finally getting my motivation back. You would think after doing 9 years things would get easier, but I still have bad days. But this time one bad day turned into days, weeks and months…I’m thankful that I have my family and friends that have sent me lots of encouragement and prayers…

I’ve been watching my baby brother grow up right before my eyes. But I’m apart of it as much as I can be inside of here. It helps me get through the weekend when he’s so excited to see me to enlighten me about his week! He turned 9 years old on July 22 and so my sister gave him a copy of the house key and he was so thrilled…he thinks he’s the man of the house now! At times I’m sad that I can’t be there to share those moments with him, but my sister is doing an awesome job raising him! So I never have to worry about his well being!

I’m getting back into the groove of trying to get active again, after my knee surgery…I gained a couple few ten pounds! Lol! But volleyball season will be here at the end of the month, so I will be getting ready for that!

I recently received a letter from someone that saw me on the web site and that feeling I got was priceless…I was overwhelmed with happiness…knowing that I really am making a difference. It was my intention to change the world one person at a time, but to get a personal response is heartwarming and man I’m at a loss of words…

Always, Marriam

All the scummy motels and the things I had done, the
More I hated myself and could no longer find any beauty within
The longer I stayed gone, the deeper the hurt buried
Itself within me.

The more I did drugs to numb the pain, the harder my
Heart shattered leaving no feeling within. For everyone
I strived for and proved my loyalty to, the more my faith
and beliefs I knew to be true slowly dissipated within me.

All the “homies” I seemed to have that I gave my
All to leaving me empty and alone with no respect left
For myself within. The ones I loved most praying I was
Alive and would find my way home, never losing faith fully
Believing in and forgiving me.

My walls now have a door and a window to see. Its
Not from this prison I sit in I long to be freed.
I have been forgiven by loved ones and I am slowly learning
How to forgive others from within me.

There is freedom in forgiveness and a joy no one can
Take that I hold within. If only I could believe
In my heart I deserve to be forgiven and free. Then
Freedom will be found deep within me.

By forgiving myself, then and only then from my prison
within, will I be free.

It still isn’t real completely yet. You know, what no one tells you is how crazy the emotional transition is. When you’re doing your time, you’re numb. You don’t think too much about your time outside of prison–you can’t. You can’t do your time and remain sane like that. So you just get through it one day at a time. Then I’m free – from me winning my appeal. I went from prison to home with no re-entry program, no transition. Just released at 8pm at night.

I am so thankful to be free and with my family. Free from the chains of my addiction. Most of all, the incarceration of methamphetamines, for me, was worse than any prison cell.

Now, I’m 2 years and 45 days clean. I have a job doing the trade I learned working for Correctional Industries and I have an awesome support system-my family and friends.

I could not do this without them! We all need support. I can’t imagine how anyone can make it without any help, whether it be family or mentors. How can we expect as a community that we can just ship people off to prison and that will remedy all our drug problems, or problems stemming from drug use, etc? Incarceration is the beginning but we can’t just drop people. We have to have support for their re-entry or we’re defeating the purpose. We need people to support inmates upon their release–jobs, mentorship, and community involvement is the only answer to break the cycle of incarceration-of crime and laws being broken and our neighborhoods being violated.

Say all of you want that it’s not your problem. If you believe that, you’re fooling yourself. Until we come together, one community at a time, nothing will change.

I’m very lucky. My family, The IF Project, Kat and Kim and my boss gave me a chance. Now, I’m living proof that if given the chance, we can succeed after prison!

What are you going to do to help your community?

Tiffany Doll