The If Project

Below is a blog from Angey, a mother of two. Her release date is in late 2010.

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I woke up early today feeling lost and alone. The holidays are here and mail call is dismal. I have not heard from anyone in a couple weeks. Then I have to stop myself and wonder, is this how my family felt when I was gone for almost a year? How selfish am I? I know my family felt so many more worries. Was she alive, hurt, hungry, cold? Is she being held captive or abused? Is she a prostitute, heroin, crack or meth user, dealing? Does she think of us, love us, remember us? And is she ever coming home?

How could I have so much doubt when they had so much worry and love? Sure my family was disappointed, angry, hurt and did not understand. That did not mean they would leave me for dead–unlike some of the people I was around and the drugs I looked to for comfort–they only wondered what I was willing to do for that next hit. Losing all respect for myself, I thought my family did the same.

I also thought I knew what was best for me. I was wrong. I had to learn the hard way.  Going to prison is no fun. It is dark and lonely. You have no control of your own schedule, let alone the outside. I was a mess when I came into prison.  I was sure no one wanted me, trusted me. Hell, I couldn’t trust myself and didn’t want to be in my own skin.

But that first letter I got from my mom brought me to my knees in tears. Tears of joy, not pain. The pain was slowly fading and the “real me” was surfacing. If my family can forgive me and believe in me, can I? I believe in time I can. Maybe the lost and alone feeling has nothing to do with my family-like my drug use had nothing to do with them. It all lays on my shoulders and whether or not I am willing to take that risk. This way, I don’t have anything to lose. I only have the world to gain.

Each time I look into me, I see that sparkle that used to be me. The one who could laugh, love and smile. Who could feel, touch and be loved. Who could cook, clean and grocery shop. The one who enjoyed walking on the beach and playing at the park. Who didn’t mind midnight bottles and changing diapers. Who wanted to do all that and more day to day.

I am not sure where it is I lost all that. But I do know I miss it and will strive to have it all back with my family where they have always been by my side cheering me on. I choose to live not die. I know it wont be easy, but I am stronger now-sober and with my loved ones.

I know where I was going, where I am now and where I am going to be. I feel good today, not alone and empty. I actually feel that is a difference and worth every day spent in this prison to better my future. Knowing I am loved worthy and worth it.

Angey